what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.