As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Breaking news:
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS