*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
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The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Feel. He’s so soft.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say