My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
a fate I wish upon no one
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I’m giving up for Lent.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.