@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

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@mrjohndarby

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

@MiddleageM

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

@chewlongkok_

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@Beatonm5

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@ScottLinnen

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.