Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH