People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.