I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Butt weight. There’s more!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread