All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them