My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.