I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.