…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?