@lukeplusone
@Smooheed …anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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@Smooheed 
@DurtMcHurtt 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
@badAzz_mom Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
@KimmyMonte me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
@JessObsess My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
@XplodingUnicorn My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
@mrjohndarby publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
@GABBYdaAngSaya Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
@TheTweetOfGod If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
@PammsyB 🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
