Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart


Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.


My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.


My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.


publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course


Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.