Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
All set.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.