@lukeplusone

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

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@Smooheed

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

@mrjohndarby

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.