Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.