“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.