At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.