Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!