other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Single and childfree like Jesus
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died