righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
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Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.