Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don鈥檛 fit anymore.
Wife: it鈥檚 probably cause of all the muscle you鈥檝e put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you鈥檙e probably right.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
A friend wanted to know what it鈥檚 like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I鈥檓 thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that鈥檚 not how this works
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again馃槶
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
When you鈥檙e Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven鈥檛 even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your r茅sum茅?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn鈥檛 say I鈥檝e let quarantine life change me.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha