My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.