You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Okay me first
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now