•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.