ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.