idk what this dog had been going through but same
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
normalize having existential bread
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.