i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality