Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Where is your GOD now????
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.