[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
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“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I wish all tests were things you peed on