I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]