Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
need him
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh