Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
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Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
He wanted to make sure😂
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Snapes on a plane.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely