Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time