Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.