@MadHatterMommy

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

You Might Also Like

@whatsJo

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

@tastefactory

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

@PajamaBen_

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

@AdamOfEarth

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

@HaliPhacks

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.