Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.