*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
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sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting