I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
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The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep