When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
had to make it
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
what does he know…
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.