[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.