Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…