Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
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as is their right
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem