Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
🍛
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”