Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
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Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
White Castle for the Win
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon