“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.