My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
#catsoftwitter
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”