Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
You Might Also Like
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
synchronized noseblowing
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.