Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny