Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons