Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
can I use a minion as a tampon
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
first you must answer his riddles
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Put my back out twerking in the library again
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.