“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.