The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
You Might Also Like
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.