Ooops wrong house😂😜
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids