Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Breaking news:
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.