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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I came this close!!!!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Probably my best painting.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.