You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P