4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chickenš£ ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of themšš
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*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
uŹop Ēpısdn pĒuɹnŹ-pĒddı×É Źob ĒÉÄ±× ŹÉÆ
ŹoÉ„ ŹnoqÉ ××É ŹÉ¹oŹs É sı sıɄŹ ‘Źou
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like āhave her back by 2200 hoursā and I didnāt know military time but I was ok at maths and was like āsure, see you in 3 monthsā
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
If snakes were wide
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ā¹ļø
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
me: i canāt believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Every kid in my second graderās class is assigned a ājobā each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is ātech supportā because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Phone
Me: I canāt. I canāt THINK right now. I CANāT. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could justā
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CANāT. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Him: Iām breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
āWhatās the worst that can happen?ā
Buddy Iāve got anxiety, Iāll make you a list
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think itās time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking forā¦ bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! š
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.